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THE VITAL NEED OF UNDERSTANDING IN MARRIAGE

Understanding is particularly essential, if any couple wants to have a healthy and successful marriage. No wonder, the Bible tells us in Proverbs 24:3-4 that while wisdom builds, and knowledge fills a home with rare and precious jewels, it is understanding that establishes.

A husband and wife must be fully committed to understand each other to the fullest degree possible, if the home will be filled with peace and tranquillity. When both are willing and ready to do this, room is given for effective communication, oneness and excitement about building a home together, despite the challenges that may arise. Where there is no understanding in a home, there will always be chaos and confusion. Why? Because understanding helps you to read between the lines; it helps you to adjust yourself accordingly to your spouse.

Understanding is vital! Dear reader, I am sure you have heard that knowledge is power; well I always like to take it further and say that understanding carries more Understanding is particularly essential, if any couple wants to have a healthy and successful marriage. No wonder, the Bible tells us in Proverbs 24:3-4 that while wisdom builds, and knowledge fills a home with rare and precious jewels, it is understanding that establishes.

A husband and wife must be fully committed to understand each other to the fullest degree possible, if the home will be filled with peace and tranquillity. When both are willing and ready to do this, room is given for effective communication, oneness and excitement about building a home together, despite the challenges that may arise. Where there is no understanding in a home, there will always be chaos and confusion. Why? Because understanding helps you to read between the lines; it helps you to adjust yourself accordingly to your spouse.

Understanding is vital! Dear reader, I am sure you have heard that knowledge is power; well I always like to take it further and say that understanding carries more power. Understanding simply means the ability to comprehend something. We know a lot of things but until we comprehend them, they make no difference to us or they add no value to us. No wonder, the psalmist said: Give me understanding that I may live (Psalm 119:144).

An understanding of God’s Word on the subject matter of marriage and your spouse, are what would conclude the level of rest you experience in your family life.

For example, until a husband and wife understand God’s concept of marriage, until they are aware that as far as God is concerned, they are one flesh and He does not see them as separate, they may be found keeping secrets from each other and doing things without any consideration for their spouse. Until they understand that they are on the same team working towards a common goal, that a house divided against itself cannot stand (Mark 3:25), they may be just fine arguing and fighting. This will only keep them apart and hinder the progress in the home.

Wherever you find couples who do not allow anything contrary to peace to make itself at home in their marriage, it is because they have understanding. Understanding is vital; it makes you stable. It gives no room to any kind of instability or unsteadiness in the home. Your own home will remain steadfast in Jesus’ name. Dear reader, I would like you to know that there is no substitute to understanding. In Isaiah 33:6, the Bible tells us: And wisdom and knowledge shall be the stability of thy times…and in Proverbs 4:7, Wisdom is the principal thing; therefore get wisdom: and with all thy getting get understanding. That tells me that no matter the knowledge and wisdom you have, understanding is a MUST, if those two will produce for you.

One of the major reasons why there is crisis in homes across the globe, is because the husband does not know his wife and his wife is unaware of whom he is. Therefore, they speak anyhow, and behave without regard for one another. However, if they understood each other well, they would know when to say what, where to say it and how to say it.

While men and women are different and each has unique peculiarities, my aim in this article is to take you through some vital areas on the subject of understanding in marriage that, by the help of the Holy Spirit, would bring to light some key points that would be of great help to you. It’s my prayer that as you read, the eyes of your understanding will be enlightened in Jesus’ name.

To get the most out of the subject of understanding, you must:

Understand the differences between men and women, and how we communicate.

Men and women communicate differently. When you understand this, it helps to take any impending frustration away. While there are some exceptions, women generally tend to be more dialogue-oriented, while men are more action- oriented. If a woman is asked how her day went for example, she would more than likely want to tell you absolutely EVERYTHING that occurred from the moment she stepped out of the house, until she came back home. That is just the nature of the woman! However, if a man is asked the same question, he can easily say, “Fine” and end the conversation there. He normally won’t go into details, until he is probed and asked leading questions. That is just the nature of the man! In a marriage, a man that does not understand this would conclude that his wife talks too much and a woman would conclude that her husband keeps secrets. She may not trust him, because he is not telling her much.

The task of both people in the marriage, is to sit down with this understanding and effectively communicate with each other what their feelings may be. You must discuss your differences and decide on how to handle your communication differences in a way that leaves both of you satisfied with the outcome.

Ask God, the Creator of marriage, to show you how to deal with such an issue, and lean on the Holy Spirit for help. Instead of allowing these differences to divide you, ask God to show you how to accommodate such differences, while peace reigns in the home.

When communicating, RESPECT is everything to a man; CONNECTION is everything to a woman.

All men may not be the same, but every man has the general need for respect/honour. That is one thing every man wants, particularly from his wife. That is his nature! When you communicate with your husband, consciously use a respectful tone, under every circumstance. Whatever you may be saying won’t matter to him if you talk to him like one of your friends, children or subordinates at work. If he feels like you are disrespecting him, he would disconnect from the conversation immediately and an argument may ensue, which could have easily been avoided. Remember that once strife and arguments begin to come in, the door has been opened to every evil work (James 3:16).

No matter what you are saying to your husband, don’t take away the respect/honour you have for him. You may consider him unworthy of it however, remember that your honour is ultimately to God (Ephesians 5:22).

What respect is to a man, is exactly what connection is to a woman. Women want to see that their husbands are paying full attention to them – connection is everything to a woman! You may be physically there, but if you are not mentally there, you will have an unhappy wife.

Therefore as a husband, when communicating with your wife, you must put everything aside and focus on her and what she is saying. Your wife will not be satisfied until you engage in the conversation with her, and show that she is important to you. What both people in the marriage have to do, is to understand these differences and let it guide you in the way you communicate with your spouse; it would make all the difference!

Men and women deal with their emotions differently.

Women don’t know how to hide their emotions well. That is one of the reasons why when you put too many women in one place, the end result may not be palatable. Women wear their hearts on their sleeve; when they are upset, angry, happy, joyful; it can be easily seen. However, men tend to be different; for a man to openly show his emotions for any reason, he may have been forced to do so or he must have come to a place of complete trust towards a person.

When a husband lets his wife see the deepest and most tender parts of him, it can be like a stab in his chest, if she makes the mistake of talking to anybody about it. With this understanding as a wife, you must learn how to guard your husband’s emotions with all seriousness. If he is angry over a matter, don’t water it down, pay attention to his emotions and adjust yourself accordingly to them. The same goes for any husband; your wife may be emotional, that means whatever you say to her must not be said carelessly. Take time to study your wife, and you also adjust yourself to her emotional state. It will go a long way in ensuring there is peace in your home.

To understand your spouse, you must be a student of your spouse.

I like to use the phrase “Be a student of your spouse” quite a lot and I mean it. This is one of the best ways to get rid of frustrations and assumptions in your marriage. While I have given some points to help you, you must also recognize that your spouse is unique so, do not put them in the category of “all men” or “all women”. You are to study them and remain sensitive to their needs, their likes, and their makeup in general. It also helps you to notice when they change for any reason.

For example, the wife you married at 24 will not be the same at 34. Some of the things she liked, she will no longer be interested in, even at 54. Marriage is a learning institution and the students (husband and wife) are to remain students for life. It will help you to know how to respond to every situation that yields positive results.

It is important to remember that your spouse is not like you. You may be similar in some instances, but you are not exactly the same.

THE VITAL NEED OF UNDERSTANDING IN MARRIAGE.

A vital area, among others, that you must pay particular attention to when studying your spouse, is to understand what makes them feel loved. Your task is to know:

a. How they like to receive love or what their love language is, and

b. Is that the language you are speaking?

The love languages to consider are:

  • Words of Affirmation
  • Acts of Service
  • Receiving Gifts
  • Quality Time
  • Physical Touch

Even though everyone of us has a need for all the five love languages, we all have a dominant one. When you are around your spouse, study them. Does your husband like to be affirmed? If his dominant love language is words of affirmation but you are more focused on buying gifts for him, you won’t have a satisfied spouse. Likewise, if your wife’s dominant love language is acts of service; perhaps she wants you to help her around the house, with children, etc., but you are focused on touching her, you will have an unsatisfied wife.

To get the best out of your spouse, you must speak their OWN language, not your own love language and not what you are most comfortable with doing. If it is something that does not come naturally to you, receive grace from God to do what is required, and put that grace to work. The only way to become better at it is to practise. Remember that marriage is all about selflessness; don’t be selfish, and don’t allow yourself to get weary (Galatians 6:9).

Dear reader, please note that one of your lifetime assignments in the school of marriage is to understand your spouse; diligently observe them, listen to them, study them and fill their love tank. Observe your spouse, listen to them and fill their love tank by speaking their love language. If their love language is something that does not come naturally to you, practice it.The Bible tells us in 1 Peter 3:7:Dwell with your wife (or husband) according to knowledge …. To have understanding, knowledge comes first. When there is understanding, there would be no jumping to conclusions. It helps you to remain calm in certain situations. No wonder the Bible says: Whoever restrains his words has knowledge, and he who has a cool spirit is a man of understanding (Proverbs 17:27 (ESV).

If you have not been doing so, my charge to you is to take it upon yourself, to ensure that understanding is established in your home. Once you understand why your husband behaves in a certain way or why your wife talks in a certain way, you will find yourself no longer over-reacting but looking for a way to effectively communicate that ensures peace is established in the home.

If you are currently single, this still applies; it is vital to know what is required of you in marriage, to ensure you escape the troubles others may be experiencing.

Dear reader, as I stated earlier, there is no substitute for understanding. If you want your home to indeed be established, you must go after understanding diligently. You will make it, in Jesus’ name.

To understand your spouse, you need the help of God. This help can only be released upon you, when you confess your sins and accepting Jesus as your Lord and Saviour. That way, you will be saved. If you are ready to be saved, please say this prayer:

Lord Jesus, I come to You today. I am a sinner. I can’t help myself. Forgive me of my sins. From today, I accept You as my Lord and Saviour. Thank You Jesus for saving me. Now, I know I am born again.”

Congratulations!

Till I come your way next time, please call or write to share your testimonies with me through kemioyedepo@yahoo.com and contact@faithoyedepo.org, Tel: 08141320204; 07026385437.

You can connect with me on my facebook page which is called Crisis-Proof Your Family!

For more insight, these books authored by Pastor Faith Oyedepo are available at the Dominion Bookstores in all Living Faith Churches and other leading Christian Bookstores:

  • Making Marriage Work.
  • Building a Successful Family.
  • Understanding Motherhood and Make Your Life Count.

 

Remain ever blessed!

 

Kemi Oyedepo

COMMENTS

  • Samuel Anabaraonye 01-04-2015

    God bless you Ma,
    The challenge of understanding over our wedding preparation is based on this topic.
    I am blessed from this message.
    God will strengthen you and keep this ministry moving in Jesus name. Amen.

    Samuel Anabaraonye
    Abuja, Nigeria.

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