Someone once said that “communication is EVERYTHING in marriage.” That is a statement I believe with all my being. Communication is a very important force within the marriage covenant. In fact it is the glue that holds the family together.
Dear Reader, I am sure you will agree with me that even outside marriage and the family, communication is vital. We have to communicate with people every day in our various endeavours in order to know their thoughts, feelings, etc. For instance, as you are reading this article, you and I are actually engaging a form of communication. So, indeed communication isEVERYTHING.
Where there is no communication in a marriage, there will be confusion, misunderstandings, arguments, etc; in other words, a breakdown in the family unit is inevitable. Pastor Faith Oyedepo once said, “Communication is a major component that makes oneness possible.” The day you decide to sign up for marriage, you have lost your liberty to be independent, and chosen to become one with another individual. You are expected to merge your goals, dreams and aspirations with that person, and to do that effectively, communication is a must.
It is important to note that if communication will be effective in the entire family, it begins with the husband and wife in the home. If the husband and wife, as the leaders of the home, don’t communicate well, there will be a communication breakdown in the entire home.
The foundation of a good marriage that will last a lifetime has to be built by effective communication, because the level of communication in a marriage is a determining factor in whether or not the marriage will survive.
Imagine two business partners with two different visions, goals, and mind-sets. They never meet to discuss anything about their business, yet they are convinced that they are great partners. You don’t need me to tell you that the business won’t survive, because they would find themselves taking steps or decisions based on assumptions, and many times, assumptions differ from reality.
Dr. David Oyedepo has said that, “Assumption is the mother of frustrations.” Sadly, that is the case of most relationships on earth today. Most marriages are operating on assumptions; there is no communication going on. The couple are not talking or listening, so each person has a different interpretation of what is going on in the home and in the life of the other.
Since we have established the fact that communication is vital, let us take a look at the definition.
Communication can be defined as the art of passing across news, information or feelings to somebody else. It simply means the transfer of thoughts to another person. While that is a great definition, it is important to note that it is not enough to just communicate, because communication must be effective in order to get the desired end result. Let us therefore, look at what makes communication effective.
Effective communication is simply ensuring that the message sent is rightly received and accurately interpreted by the receiver. When it is rightly received and accurately interpreted, there would be no room for assumptions.
When something is effective, it means it is successful, helpful or valued. Therefore, effective communication must bring profit, help and support to both parties for the sake of the home they are building.
There are a number of married couples whose marriages are more like battlegrounds; it is a necessary evil. They shout, abuse, do the wrong things to each other and believe they have communicated. The truth is that they have actually communicated, but has it been effective? NO! Why? It has not brought profit or help!
I have heard people say that you must fight to prove the sincerity of your love, but I can boldly tell you that is a lie from the pit of hell. When a conversation degenerates to an argument, both parties have lost already. One thing I would like you to know dear reader is that the more you argue in your marriage relationship, the further apart you drift from each another.
For the sake of clearer understanding, let us take a look at the definition of an argument: “This is an exchange of diverging or opposite views, typically a heated or angry one.” Did you take note of the last few words? “…Typically a heated or angry one.”What good can come out of that?
Contrary to what people believe, once you raise your voice, the essence of communication is lost. That means, when a conversation moves to a level where each person feels the need to defend him/herself, they have basically stepped into a court of law.
One picture I always like to paint in the minds of people is that of team-mates or team players. When you find team-mates arguing amongst themselves, we usually think that they are not in their right minds. Why? They have a common goal to achieve. If they don’t communicate well, each person would have a different interpretation of the conversation; thereby, causing confusion to be the end result. This simply makes them losers even before the game or match begins. Marriage is exactly the same; it is made up of two team players who are expected to work together towards achieving a common goal effectively.
Constant quarrelling and the likes would not get the family anywhere. Please, don’t accept that it should be a part of a marriage. I have come to the conclusion that those who say so have not been able to master God’s concept of marriage, so they have accepted it as part of life.
Dear reader, I would like you to know that God’s intention for your marriage is that it is pleasurable, full of genuine peace and free of strife and arguments. The good news I have for you is that this concept will come alive in your life in Jesus name!
One point to note is that effective communication is actually a learned skill; it is not something that just comes naturally. It is something you have to work on. You have to be able to balance the components of communication well in order to be an effective communicator. We would look at that in subsequent editions; but in this edition, let us look at the two types of communication.
As you know, there are two ways we express ourselves and they are:
Verbally: This involves the use of words. This is the most common form of communication. It is using our words to convey our thoughts and feelings towards those around us, in this case, your spouse. Without verbal communication, it is impossible to build a lasting and fulfilling marriage. It is how we use our words in a relationship that bring about a positive or negative result.
Non-Verbally: This includes gestures such as body languages, facial expressions, touch, etc.
It is important to note, that in marriage, both must work hand in hand. For instance, if your spouse is talking to you about being offended by something you did and you are rolling your eyes, huffing and puffing, yet saying, “I am sorry,” would that bring about the right reaction from him/her? NO! You may have said the right words but your body language and facial expressions don’t align with your words. Therefore, in order for your communication to get the right results, your words must reflect in your body language and your body language must reflect in your words.
In concluding this segment, there is need for God’s grace to be able to communicate well. This grace can only be released when you confess your sins and accept Jesus as your Lord and Saviour; that way, you are saved. If you are ready to be saved, please say this prayer:
Lord Jesus, I come to You today. I am a sinner. I can’t help myself. Forgive me of my sins. From today, I accept You as my Lord and Saviour. Thank You Jesus for saving me. Now, I know I am born again.
Congratulations! Till I come your way next time, please call or write to share your testimonies with me through
For more insight, these books authored by Pastor Faith Oyedepo are available at the Dominion Bookstores in all Living Faith Churches and other leading Christian Bookstores: